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BLOWING THEIR COVER: Former hotel staffer Jacob Tomsky reveals all the crude, impish and downright scandalous behaviors of hotel guests — and employees — in his new memoir, “Heads in Beds.” (David Rosenzweig; Prop Stylist: Rebecca Donnelly for BA-REPS; Model: Ingrid/Wilhelmina; Hair & Makeup: Lindsey Williams at ARTISTS by Timothy Priano; Location: Sanctuary Hotel) — “The Shining” by Stephen King The most memorable guest Jacob Tomsky ever came across in his 10 years at a three-star hotel in the city was an older man who checked in week after week, came and went, and never spoke. Hockstein,” as Tomsky calls him, also carried hardly any luggage — not typical of their usual upscale clientele — and had his weekly bill faxed to his secretary, who always paid promptly. He went up to his room, then came back down to the lobby, ready to speak for the first time in years. “Well, sir,” Tomsky said, “perhaps the housekeeper assumed you had departed and was attempting to save you from accruing tonight’s unneeded room and tax.” This did not please Hockstein, who was unaware of the two male staffers across the lobby miming a sex act that involved an umbrella. Which, by the way, wasn’t as upscale as it looked — the finishings and materials were cheap, with shower handles often breaking off in guests’ hands. Even the staff’s uniforms were tearing after just a month of wear. He’s seen it all, and his book is meant to be to hotels what “Kitchen Confidential” was to the restaurant industry: a sometimes gross, often hilarious exposé of unethical practices combined with sympathetic tips for you, the poor, hapless consumer.

They could never figure out what Hockstein was up to — until one Thursday afternoon, when one of the laundry guys came across a shopping bag in Hockstein’s room. At the same moment the staff was going nuts over Hockstein’s stash — sex toys, dildos, a blow-up doll — the guest himself walked through the door. ” It was the kind of moment, the kind of guest and the kind of hysteria in which hotel staffers — otherwise rendered catatonic by the mind-crushing tedium of their jobs — find deep, mean pleasure. He remembers Hockstein standing there, seething, grinding his teeth. “If you’ll provide me with a detailed list of the bag’s contents, sir, we will replace the items within the hour.” The guest settled down and assured Tomsky the gesture was unnecessary. As for Hockstein, “he assumed we never found out.” According to Tomsky, this anecdote illustrates the essential, immovable truth about hotels: “Everyone knows everything.” And, one year after he quit the industry, he’s happy to explain how and why. ‘Heads in Beds: A Reckless Memoir of Hotels, Hustlers and So-Called Hospitality” (Doubleday) is Tomsky’s memoir of his 11 years in the industry — first at a luxury hotel in New Orleans for one year, the rest in a high-end hotel on Manhattan’s Upper West Side.

When I first told people — including some of the world's biggest so-called "experts" on dating and relationships — that I had unlocked the secret to getting women to completely open up sexually on the phone (even to the point of masturbating and having full-blown mind shattering orgasms while on the phone with me), let's just say more than one person scoffed at me.

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“I stay every week until Friday, and I keep my suits at my office,” Hockstein said. And the state of affairs has only gotten worse in the years since hotels replaced nightclubs as the city’s most glamorous destinations: the Mercer, the Standard, the Jane, the Ace, the Bowery, the Maritime, the Gansevoort, 60 Thompson, the Hudson, the Gramercy Park Hotel, the Wythe — all are competing for ever-fracturing subsets of the young and the beautiful.

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